I Tried To Be A Fitness Influencer | Hannah’s Hacks

Have you ever tried doing a burpee? That nonsense gets you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Have you ever tried doing a burpee after smoking three fags with a hangover? That’s a new level. Motley Tries Kayla Instines has easily been the hardest challenges so far this year. The Australian fitness blogger has 3.9 million followers on instagram. I’m one of them. This wasn’t so much about achieving a perfect body, this was about seeing how I felt having achieved this so-called flawless physique. Well spoiler, I didn’t achieve anything and I’m not down in the dumps about it.

We all, especially at this age have a massive preoccupation with our looks. We’re self-obsessed students with a lot of time on our hands and we’re trying to figure ourselves out. Basically we spend too much time looking in the mirror and pondering on the ways we can fix ourselves. I’m constantly on the D.I.Y fix yourself train and it always ends pathetically. Before I came across the Kayla guides, my “detoxes” would go as follows; Monday: Fruit. Tuesday: Vegetables. Wednesday: Fruit and Vegetables. Thursday: Fruit, Vegetables, half a bottle of gin, a rack of shots, a jar of Nutella, a litre of garlic mayo and maybe a block of cheese. Back to square one. I’m happy with my body. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I was never going to look like Cara Delvigne but I think I’m there. Having baps and buns comes in handy at the best of times to be honest.

The purpose of this was to see if I could feel happier by being healthier. Let us all point and laugh at the last few weeks I’m about to describe.


Week One: I was feeling pumped on Monday, I bought all the expensive quinoa flakes, protein powder and coconut water. I bought some new leggings as a girl can never have too many; New play list on the iPod. I was ready. I woke up and had 2 eggs, half an avocado and a slice of rye toast. Now for my big, bad work-out; I nearly passed out on the way to the gym, I was so hungry. That breakfast was for the pigeons, not a growing girl like me.

I made it eventually. Legs and Abs, let’s go. I tried my first burpee. What kind of sadistic human being proposed that that would be a positive thing to do to one’s body?

I had to do 15 of them, followed by three other exercises alternately for SEVEN minutes, and then do it AGAIN.

I always get a bit fat at the start and end of college but this was horrific. 

I always get a bit fat at the start and end of college but this was horrific. Being “healthier” was not making me happier for that hour in the gym.

I remained positive. I was willing to do the exercises and follow the DIEt but there was no way I was giving up my night’s out. That’s what you do all those damned squats for in the first place. Tuesday: went to the gym and did what they call “interval training”; that is; run really fast, then run faster, then run really fast again for half an hour. I looked like a birthing heifer but I actually felt pretty fly after it. I was looking forward to the night ahead. I drank that gin like never before. Than I ate everything I could find in the Kitchen. Wednesday was the same as Monday. Thursday was the same as Tuesday. Weighed myself on Friday; Hannah plus three pounds. ARE YOU JOKING ME?

That Monday, I told myself I was going to get my life together. Ha. The next week was the exact same as the week before; including the weight gain. You see, I can’t do as I’m told. Ever. The guides were driving me crazy. They were setting me up for failure. Before I started, I used to enjoy going to the gym and ate healthily; I just like my big portions, I will probably never lose this derrière. Sorry I’m not sorry. I was staring at the guides in disbelief that people would work out at such a high intensity so frequently. I was amazed by how disgusting coconut water is. I started to lose trust in Queen Kayla because she gets up at 5 am every morning and doesn’t drink. I’m not saying everybody needs to drink to be trusted. I’m saying that I enjoy (need) to drink and her life style is unrealistic.

I tried and failed for weeks but it raised more interesting questions. Before I started, I never weighed myself. It always made me sad. Happiness should never be quantified by what we read on a scale. My measure was a pair of black sparkly jeans that are currently working as a fashionable gastric band. (They still fit though so I’m not going to get bogged down on the minor details.) Unless your health is being affected by the weight, you are perfect just the way you are. I put on seven pounds during Motley Tries and Fails Kayla Instines, I then lost it before this was published. I’m back at square one. I’m happy at square one, and you should be too.

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